I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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