My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
