I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
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