Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
