i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
