matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
