My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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