It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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