Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
