I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
