I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
