Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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