drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
How naked do you want me to be?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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