On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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