the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
