I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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