She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
