I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
