I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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