Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
