Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
