She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
