Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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