I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
