the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
