I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
