my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
