Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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