everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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