Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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