I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
