You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
