Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
we're making bets on your personal life
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
