I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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