hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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