my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
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