hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
