I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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