i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
