$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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