can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
