There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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