i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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