i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
This house was built for laser tag.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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