I seem to have left my pride at pride
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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