I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
