there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
