So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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