Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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