My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
So squirting runs in the family.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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