I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
